Bandaged and Bruised, I'd Still Pick You
by elevensong
Summary: Cas is a paramedic with a tragic past. Five years ago he lost a patient on the job and never fully recovered from the emotional trauma it caused. He's become an expert at pushing the feelings aside, but Cas's past comes back to haunt him when he saves his lost patient's brother from a car wreck.


"You can't win with the green shell; everyone knows that!"

Castiel twists his lip into a snarl as his grip tightens on the controller, waiting for Anna to slip up. He ignores her words as they race around the infamous Rainbow Road track, the cheery music in the background only fueling his determination. He watches as the pink dress of Princess Peach appears in his line of sight, and then he does what Anna thinks impossible; he lobs the green shell in her direction and it makes contact, causing Anna's precious Peach to fall to her imminent demise off the road. Castiel whoops as Toad crosses the finish line, thus securing his win.

"That was a lucky shot!" Anna yells into the air, throwing her controller by the wayside. Her mouth pushes down in a pout as she leans back against the couch, a light shade of red coming to her cheeks.

Castiel laughs and lightly punches Anna in the arm. "No, that is called determination, my dear friend." He watches as Anna crosses her arms and turns away, living up to her reputation as a sore loser nicely. He gets up and ruffles Anna's hair as he passes, which only deepens the grimace on her face.

"Did someone finally beat Anna?" a familiar voice calls from the stairs.

"Castiel cheated!" Anna accuses from her spot on the couch. "I'm invincible at Mario Kart!"

Michael comes into view with a smile on his face, but Castiel can see it doesn't reach his eyes. His uniform is covered in blood, smudges of red still visible in his hair and on his face. Castiel doesn't even need to ask what happened; he can make a good enough guess.

As if Michael can read his mind, he pulls off his soiled shirt and tosses it in the laundry basket. "A fifty year old male was hit by a train down at Westpoint. I tried to save him but…there was too much blood loss. Even the transfusions we gave him in the ambulance couldn't help."

Anna's mood automatically shifts from sarcastic to sympathetic as she approaches Michael's side. She wordlessly pulls him into a hug and he accepts it, nuzzling into her figure. Losing someone on the job is a reality that they must all accept, but that doesn't stop the thoughts from running through your head after you lose a patient. What could you have done differently? What if you drove faster? What if that idiot on I-78 pulled over like he was supposed to? Not focusing on the 'what ifs' is just another part of their daily lives, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

A loud beeping rings through the ambulance station and it breaks Anna and Michael apart. With a loud groan Michael walks over to the dispatcher and reads out the message on the screen.

"Car accident down at the intersection of Layette Lane and Pointer Street. I guess I should get a new shirt then…" Michael trails off.

Castiel goes over to Michael and lays a hand on his shoulder. "Take a cot and sleep it off. You're five minutes away from being done with your shift anyway. Our team will handle it. Anna, go get the ambulance ready and find the others. I'll be down in a minute."

Anna automatically takes off, and Michael shows Castiel an appreciative smile. He throws himself onto the nearest bed and turns his head to gaze at Castiel.

"You're a good friend, Lieutenant Novak."

Castiel groans and looks away from Michael. "You know I hate when people call me by my title. It sounds pretentious."

Michael laughs and flips over in the cot. "Okay, whatever you say, _lieutenant._"

He ignores Michael and walks away from his trilling laughter, running down to the ambulance instead. Anna and Balthazar are already double checking the supplies while Hael idles in the front seat, locating the coordinates on a GPS. A few minutes later they're flying down the street, trying to get around asshole drivers who won't move for a freaking ambulance or the traffic lights that aren't wired to sense emergency vehicles. It also doesn't help that heavy rain is pouring down, making visibility weak at best. Castiel sits in the back worrying the fray of his uniform as Anna nearly hits a Volvo, and he says a silent prayer that this accident is nothing like the last one he had to deal with.

After what feels like eternity, Anna pulls up in front of a smashed Impala with the windows blown out. The semi it crashed into is sitting unharmed on the side of the road, and a handful of witnesses are huddled around a body on the ground. Castiel is the first to jump out and he instantly gets assaulted by a sheet of water in his face. It's running into his eyes but he pushes forward, only focusing on getting to the patient.

"I'm a paramedic, let me through please!" Castiel calls to the crowd, and they all disperse quickly. He looks down at the man on the asphalt and automatically stills. The guy is probably in his thirties, but it's hard to tell with all the blood covering his face. His eyes are closed but Castiel can see his chest moving, and his leg is jutted out at a clearly unnatural angle.

"What the bloody hell happened here?" Balthazar says from behind. "It looks like he was attacked by a bear…or got into a nasty bar fight. Maybe his woman left him…or his man. He looks like the type that could go both ways. Maybe he got drunk and crashed his car…"

"Balthazar, shut up and look for his ID!" Hael berates as she arrives on the scene, handing Castiel the equipment necessary to check this man's vitals.

He takes the items from her and begins the familiar process. He calls out the guy's heart rate and blood pressure to Anna while Hael begins to assess the broken leg. By some tiny, infinite miracle, the guy doesn't seem to have any head trauma or other major injuries besides the leg, and the rain turns into drizzle as they work. The man has a few broken ribs and fingers too, but nothing a little bandaging and bracing won't fix.

"I found an ID!" Balthazar calls from the wreckage, holding up a brown leather wallet into the air.

"Bring it over then," Castiel commands, and Balthazar complies. He's wrapping up the cut on the man's hand as best as he can when his coworker reads out the name that stops Castiel cold.

"Dean Winchester. Thirty-five. Lives in Lawrence."

_Winchester_. Castiel's hands freeze on Dean's body as his mind transports itself to another place, another time years ago. He visualizes a lanky man named Winchester dying in his arms while Castiel tried to get him into the ambulance. He can see the man's hazel eyes staring back at him with a weak intensity, pleading with Castiel to save him. He can see the crimson blood stain his uniform as the man bleeds, bleeds, bleeds onto the gurney, the injuries from the crash too large to fix. His body trembles as he visualizes the man whispering his last words in a hoarse voice.

"Tell my brother I love him."

"Castiel…Castiel!"

He can't tell if he's crying or if the rain is just dripping, but Anna is at his side in an instant, knowing what the name must bring up in Castiel's thoughts. Maybe there is no relation, he hopes; there are lots of Winchesters in the world. What are the chances that Sam Winchester, the man who died on his watch five years ago, is the brother of Dean Winchester?

High, apparently.

"Ugh…Sammy?" a weak voice calls out from the ground, and Castiel can feel his heart break.

"No…not Sammy," Castiel says as he crouches over Dean's figure. "Do you know what happened, Mr. Winchester?"

Dean gazes up into Castiel's eyes with an awestruck look on his face. "Am I dead? Because…you're an angel."

"We need to get him to the hospital. He's in shock and isn't feeling any pain yet, but he will soon," Anna whispers behind Castiel, but he can't take his gaze off of Dean.

"…Is that a flirtation?" Castiel asks stupidly.

Dean tries to laugh, but it comes out as a grunt of pain. "Ah…okay. You can't make me laugh like that when I'm injured, Cas," he says.

A zing of fear runs through Castiel's system. How does Dean know his name? Anna was the one who had to deliver the bad news to Sam's brother all those years ago. Did she let it slip that Castiel was the one who let his brother die? Does Dean know that it is Castiel's fault that his brother is not here anymore?

"Cas? Did you call me Cas?" he asks through blubbering lips, the words running together in one breathless sentence.

Dean nods from the ground, wincing when blood runs into his mouth. However, he shakes it off and says, "Yeah, your name tag says _Castiel _on it and I thought Cas was better. Do you have a problem with that?"

"I have a problem that he's not on a damned gurney yet!" Anna calls out furiously. "You two can talk later; we need to take you to the hospital before your injuries get any worse. Balthazar, help me lift him."

Cas steps back and lets Anna and Balthazar pull Dean onto a gurney. Seeing another Winchester in that situation makes Cas's stomach turn, so he walks back towards the ambulance where Hael is waiting and tries to repress the memories from assaulting his mind. He notices that she already has the equipment prepared and has an oxygen mask ready, her tiny form practically bouncing with excitement over her first patient.

"You remember your training?" Cas asks, even though he knows its a stupid question only meant to distract him. Hael has been ready to handle a patient by herself for months now.

Hael nods and grins widely as Anna and Balthazar approach the ambulance with Dean in tow. Cas can see the blood on Dean's soaked t-shirt and he turns away, the images of Dean's brother flowing freely through his thoughts. He decides quickly that the others can handle this on their own; he just needs to drive.

Once his team gets Dean secure in the back, Cas takes off down the slippery streets. The sun is now emerging from behind the clouds, causing a bright glare to reflect off the pavement. It makes him focus on the road even harder than he was before, which helps to push away the waves upon waves of memories that are hitting his thoughts. Seeing Dean in that state and knowing that he's Sam's brother only brings pain, and Cas can't afford to succumb to pain at a time like this. Dean's hurt and he's a paramedic; he can't let the past complicate the present.

In what seems like no time at all, Cas pulls into the emergency parking spot outside the doors of the hospital. Anna and Balthazar pull Dean's gurney out immediately and rush inside, catching Doctor Cassie right as she's about to go on break.

"Dean Winchester. Thirty-five year old male with a broken leg and three splintered ribs. Vitals normal but possible surgery needed on the leg," Anna tells Cassie quickly, clearly not noticing that Dean is smirking up at her from his place on the bed.

"Get him into the nearest room; I'll check him out. Since he's not howling in pain I don't think the surgery will be necessary, but of course I'll do a thorough exam," Cassie says brightly, already walking over to the nurses station to grab a pair of gloves.

Anna pushes through the doors and Cas follows behind, checking off the procedurals on the clipboard she took from Balthazar. He didn't notice it until Cassie pointed it out, but Dean's not like the usual patient. Usually someone with a broken leg is screaming in pain when they arrive at the scene, and by the time they reach the hospital they're demanding painkillers. Dean has done none of this, but instead has remained silent from the moment they've found him on the pavement. If it's from pure shock or an extremely high pain tolerance Cas will never know, but it's enough to bring Dean to his attention.

"Put him in room 306," Cassie instructs, and Anna begins to push him down another hallway.

"Hey, Cas!" Dean calls as he's about to go around a corner. "Thanks!"

Cas can't help it; he laughs for the first time in a long time and finally lets the past fade into the background, at least for now.

••••••••••

Dean ends up in surgery a few hours later. Apparently the broken leg was worse than they thought, and even though Dean tried to convince them otherwise, they said it was needed. He fought against it, of course, but eventually a dose of anesthesia knocked him out long enough for them to operate and get him patched up properly.

Now he lays in a hospital bed, the pattering rain outside his window and the insistent beeping of his heart monitor the only sounds to fill his thoughts. A loud crack of thunder breaks up the monotonous tones for a few seconds, but it only causes Dean's mind to cartwheel back to the accident, the one that could have ended his life if the fates weren't so hellbent on keeping him alive.

He was driving quickly, that much he remembers. The details are foggy at best, but he can still recall that the thunderstorm outside was raging like a beast, sheets of water disrupting his view of the road. Usually Dean is a cautious driver, one who would not rush in such bad weather, but he was already late for his weekly meeting and he didn't want to keep Sarah waiting too long in this rain. He was only going fifteen miles over the speed limit, not enough to get him into any trouble in this small town.

One minute he was behind the wheel, and then the next the sound of metallic screeching was filling his ears as an airbag slammed into his body, knocking him into unconsciousness.

He woke up to an angel staring over his body, blue eyes singing out the celestial songs of heaven in his thoughts. He heard voices that did not belong to his angel, but they were equally as serene. Did heaven bring a whole host down to greet him? Dean grinned as a flash of brown hair passed in his peripheral vision. _Of course Sammy organized all of this. He__'__s welcoming me to our new home._

When the brown flash left, Dean automatically began to panic. Where was he going? Why wasn't he coming to Dean's side? "Ugh…Sammy?" he called out, trying to will his brother's image back to him.

The flash of brown hair appeared behind his angel. It was a woman… in a paramedic uniform? It's a strange choice, but Dean wasn't going to pretend to understand the divine. They were all working over his body, but shouldn't he be healed by now? And if he's in heaven…then where's Sam?

"No, not Sammy," the angel spoke for the first time, and his voice was like deep and divine.

Dean gazed on at the celestial being and said, "Am I dead? Because you're an angel."

The angel threw Dean a confused glance. "Is…that a flirtation?" he responded, and Dean couldn't help but laugh.

And that's when the truth crashed into his being. If he was in heaven, then he wouldn't be in pain. He had to sit through enough church services as a child to know that, and as the realization thrummed through his body, Dean willed himself not to break down, not where everyone was watching. He got so close to seeing Sam but once more fate intervened. He wondered if he would ever see his brother again…

"Dean?"

An unfamiliar voice pulls him back to the present and he turns his head to find a stunning doctor staring down at him, her ebony curls falling around her face in an array. She's gorgeous, lounging against the dresser with beautiful dark skin and legs that speak of sin, and for one tiny moment in time Dean forgets about the angel that has been haunting his thoughts from the moment he awoke.

"I'm Dr. Cassie Robinson," she says as she pushes off of the dresser with a clipboard in hand, her eyes gliding over the words on the surface. "How are you feeling?"

_Alone. Dirty. Trying to forget about the man who helped me, the guy who had eyes like oceans and whose voice thundered like a God. _

"Fine. I'm freaking fantastic. How are you today, darlin'?"

She looks up from the clipboard and throws him an arching glare.

"I'm your doctor, Dean, not your plaything. Don't call me 'darling'," she says lowly, and he easily backs off. "And you can't lie to me. If you're not feeling well, then it is my job to make you feel better. Are you really okay?"

Dean grins and throws on the fakest smile he can manage and says, "Like I said, I'm freaking fantastic."

He doesn't mention that he hasn't been okay for five years, that he hasn't felt whole since his brother's death. Sam was the only light in his dark life, the only family he had left. His dad was never around and his mother passed when he was a child. He practically raised that boy, the one with the dimples and the smile that was like looking into the sun. He radiated joy wherever he went, and Dean won't dare think about the fact that he's not the only one his brother left behind. Thinking about when he told Sarah the devastating news is not a memory he can relive.

"Dean?" Cassie asks in a soft voice, grabbing his attention once more.

"Yeah?" he asks with a grunt, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "I'm fine, Cassie. Really. Just a little woozy from the anesthesia and the pain meds you're pumpin' into me, that's all."

She throws him a glare and he knows she doesn't believe him for a second, but she just huffs out a breath and checks off some boxes on her clipboard before checking his IV and heart monitor, noting the numbers on a piece of paper.

Dean's eyes wander the room, trying to ignore the gorgeous woman who has made it very clear that she's not interested, when he catches a flash of black in his peripheral vision. His eyes wheel over to the door and alas, he finds his angel staring back at him from the opening, those blue eyes causing Dean's heart to race in his chest.

Cas stares him down from the entryway, his intense gaze biting into Dean's. He can physically feel his heart accelerate, and for a split second he forgets that he is not alone in this room.

"Dean? What's-" Cassie asks, but her question gets cut off when she finds Cas in the doorway. "Hello, Lieutenant. I wasn't expecting you."

Cas cautiously enters the room and leans on the doorframe. "To be honest, I wasn't expecting to come here either. I just wanted to check up on how Dean is doing."

Both of them turn to Dean, but all he can do is gape back at them, totally distracted by Cas's unsuspected presence. He never thought he'd see the guy who practically saved his life again, and now that Cas is standing in his doorway looking sinful in tight jeans and the ugliest sweater he's ever laid eyes on, all he can do is stare.

"He's doing well!" Cassie says brightly, filling in where Dean cannot. "The surgery went perfectly and he'll be staying here for at least a week to recover."

Cas nods and the silence in the room fills the space, enough that Cassie gets out a quick "I'll be back later" before leaving Dean alone with Cas, who is still just gazing at him like he hung the stars in the damn sky.

"You may not remember…" Cas begins, but Dean interrupts.

"You're the guy who was at the accident site. I…I asked if you were an angel," Dean blushes lightly.

Cas grins. "That you did, and I'm not an angel. I'm an EMT and I was just doing my job."

"You saved my life. That's enough to be an angel in my book," Dean replies.

Cas gazes on at Dean as he fiddles with his fingers. He walks forward and takes a seat on one of the fold out chairs next to Dean's bed.

"I'm Castiel Novak by the way, since we never got properly introduced."

Dean holds out a hand and Cas takes it, gripping it in a tough shake. "I'm Dean Winchester," he replies.

"Well Dean…nice to meet you."

Awkward silence fills the room once again, and if Dean weren't immobilized by the heart monitor he wouldn't hesitate to get up and leave. When it comes to flirting, he's great with women but turns into a bumbling idiot around men, especially ones as gorgeous as Castiel Novak. Maybe it's because being with men is a newer experience, or maybe it's because in the long run Dean is still trying to figure out other men out, but either way Dean is horrendous when it comes to putting the moves on beautiful guys. The flirty banter at the crash site was a fluke, the shock clearly bringing out his bold side. Now that he's on heavy painkillers all of that earlier confidence is gone, replaced with butterflies rapidly pummeling his stomach.

"Why did you come, Cas?" Dean asks, breaking the buzzing stillness.

Cas bunkers down in his chair and avoids Dean's gaze, clearly uncomfortable with the question.

"I…I wanted to check on you. I do this with all my patients," Cas replies, but there is a false tone in his voice. For some reason, Dean doesn't believe him for a second.

"Yeah, sure you do," Dean laughs harshly. "Don't lie to me, Cas."

Cas sighs and finally looks Dean in the eye. In those ocean blue depths Dean can see a storm raging, one that tells of a less than pleasant past.

"You remind me of someone," Cas says quietly. "You remind me of an old patient of mine, one who…I lost on the job."

Dean perks up at this information and leans forward on his palms. "Really now?"

Cas looks down at his lap and continues on. "It was a situation similar to yours, but the patient didn't end up as lucky as you did. By the time we got to the scene the guy was already halfway gone. I…held him in my arms as he died."

Dean can't help it; he automatically reaches forward and lays a hand on Cas's knee, ignoring the tugging of the heart monitor on his chest. Cas looks like he's about to break, tears welling to his eyes when he looks up into Dean's.

"Hey, Cas, it's gonna be okay. It wasn't your fault," Dean says lowly, trying to calm Cas down. "You can't help it if a person dies on ya. It sounds like you tried your best. Besides…I know what it's like to lose someone."

Cas wipes away the runaway tears from his cheeks and throws Dean a shy glance. "You do?"

Dean leans back into his bed and grips the sheets, preparing himself for telling the story of Sam's death for the thousandth time. His fingers clench into the fabric as the sound of squealing wheels disrupts the quiet of the room, hitting Dean's ears at the worst time possible. Images of the accident site fly into his mind, and for a second it is like he's there again, identifying Sam's body on a blood soaked gurney. He can feel the summer sun pounding down on his skin as he looks on at his dead brother's corpse, a woman with red hair explaining to him what happened. She talks about a pickup truck running a red and crashing into Sam's car, the impact being the worst on the driver's side of his obnoxiously tiny smart car he insisted on getting. He vaguely remembers the woman defending the paramedics, explaining that by the time someone called 911 Sam had already lost a lot of blood. However, at that time all Dean had was his grief and anger, and he remembers yelling at this woman, screaming at her to bring his brother back.

"I lost my brother five years ago," Dean explains. "It was a big car accident, way worse than mine. Drunk driver ran a red and hit my brother's car, causing him to go flying into the street. Bastard didn't even stop, just kept driving on. He was dead when I arrived on the scene. I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"Oh Dean…" Cas replies, but Dean waves him off.

"It was a long time ago, but being here in a hospital is just really racking my nerves, reminding me of _him,_" Dean explains while he expertly avoids Cas's probing gaze. "I dunno, man. It's been five years and I feel like I'm still not over it, y'know? I see him everywhere like a damn ghost, which wouldn't be surprising because I'm sure if given the chance he'd haunt me into eternity, but…," Dean trails off, "I guess I don't really know how to function without him. He was all I had, Cas, and now I've got nothin'."

Cas leans in and absentmindedly lays a hand on Dean's knee. "I don't know what to say to that, but you aren't responsible for your brother's death. It's not good, y'know, dwelling on the past. And there's nothing you could've done. I…heard about that accident from a friend and it was gruesome. Your brother was gone the moment that truck hit him. This isn't your fault, Dean."

He lets Cas's words wash over him, but they do little. What does Cas know? He's a stranger, a guy Dean met only once in his life. How can he give Dean advice on a situation he wasn't a part of?

Cas is about to speak again, but an alarm cuts him off. He pulls the offending object out of his pocket and sighs at the screen, pushing a button to get the obnoxious beeping to stop.

"That's my alarm. I'm covering for a friend down at the ambulance station in fifteen minutes and I have to go," Cas says. "But if you want…can I come see you again?"

Dean blinks at the overly enthusiastic look on Cas's face. See him again? Cas wants to come back? Why? Dean knows he can turn the guy down, tell him to get lost, but his heart beats faster at the thought of Cas walking out of his life. Funny how one paramedic weaseled his way into Dean's affections without even trying.

"Okay, one one tiny condition," Dean says coyly.

Cas's eyes brighten and widen. "Of course. What do you want?"

Dean grins. "You're buying me apple pie."

••••••••••

As Cas rushes off to the ambulance station, he berates himself for not telling Dean the truth.

Granted, Dean's striking green eyes and overall handsomeness took him offguard, but that doesn't excuse Cas from not opening his mouth and letting the secret out.

_Dean, I__'__m the reason your brother isn__'__t here._

The words taste bitter in his mouth, and his stomach turns when he once again recalls the accident. Funny how he's like Dean in that way; he just can't let Sam Winchester go no matter how hard he tries.

Despite leaving right when his alarm went off, Cas is still ten minutes late for his shift. Anna raises her eyebrows at him as he stumbles into the station, his hair in a disarray from the pounding wind outside. He's wrestling on his uniform shirt unsuccessfully when she steps in, pulling the garment over his head.

"What is wrong with you?" Anna questions. "You're never late for a shift and I've never seen you undressing in front of people. What gives, Novak?"

He blushes a little when Anna throws him a scathing glare. "Nothing. I just got caught up at the hospital, that's all."

Anna's mouth turns up in a smirk. "Oh, you were at the hospital? Why?"

He knows Anna is on to him, but he won't give her the satisfaction. He pushes past her and takes the steps quickly, emerging in a very boisterous common area. Hael and Balthazar are watching an episode of _Game of Thrones_, and Michael is curled up in bed with his longtime girlfriend Becky, the two of them practically melding into one as they entwine their limbs together in an embrace.

Anna is quick on his heels, so Castiel throws himself onto the couch next to Balthazar.

"Oh, _Game of Thrones_! Is this the episode where Joffrey dies?"

The enraged roars that come from Hael and Balthazar give him the effect he wants, and he jumps up from the space before Balthazar tackles him to the ground. Through the loud complaints of Hael, there is no way Anna can push Cas about his time at the hospital now.

She eyes him from across the room and crosses her arms. "Okay, you've evaded me for now Novak, but I will find out! I always find out!"

He grins at Anna as their next assignment comes up on the radar; an elderly man a few streets over fell down the stairs and broke a hip.

"You can interrogate the crap out of me later," Cas explains. "We've got work to do now."

Anna huffs out a breath as the others abandon their _Game of Thrones_ marathon, and then she walks with them down to the ambulance. He's about to follow, but a hard grip lands on his body.

"Hold up there, buddy," Michael says lowly, grabbing onto Cas's arm tightly. "You can evade Anna but you can't evade me. Why were you at the hospital?"

_Damn Michael__'__s persistence_, Cas thinks. Why can't anyone let him be around here?

_They__'__re the closest thing you__'__ve got to family_, _Castiel. Don__'__t forget that. _

With a sigh, Cas turns around to face Michael. Of course there is concern in his gaze, but there is something else too. Is that hope? Elation?

"…You remember that patient I dealt with yesterday? The one at the crash site?"

Michael nods. "The one Anna told me you were ogling from afar? Yeah, I'm aware."

Cas feels butterflies flutter in his gut and curls his fingers into his palms. _Dammit, Anna. _"Okay, well…I sort of didn't leave when he was admitted. I waited around until he was out of surgery and then we got to talking…and…I'm going to pick up pie and see him later on."

"Castiel…"

"I know, getting involved with a patient can never end well. And there's something else…" Cas trails off, and Michael looks at him expectedly. "The patient is Sam Winchester's brother."

Michael gapes at Cas, looking at him like he grew an extra nine heads. "Excuse me, the guy you're interested in is Winchester's brother? The brother of the patient you lost in an accident you aren't over, even though it's been five years? Castiel…"

"It's going to end poorly, I know," Cas interrupts, "but…I like him, Michael. A lot-"

"But he's the brother of the only patient you've ever lost on the job. How can that end up well? Cas, does he know? Because if he doesn't-"

"Then I'll have to tell him. Yeah, I'm aware," Cas says bitterly. He ignores the pain he feels when his nails dig into his arms. "That's why I didn't want any of you to know about this. You're gonna make it a big deal now, aren't you? Sell me out to Anna so she can give me a big heart to heart about it?"

Michael leans back on his heels and throws Cas an appreciative smile. "No, Castiel, I'm not going to do that. This is your cross to bear, and Anna can't rescue you this time. You got yourself into this, and if you're determined to put the moves on Winchester then you have to find a way to make it work."

Cas is about to retaliate, but Anna pops her head up from the bottom of the stairs.

"What are you two yick-yacking about? If you haven't noticed Old Man Jenkins is writhing in pain on Fifteenth Street! We've gotta go!"

Michael shoots him a heavy look, put Cas just pushes it off. He can't think about Dean right now, not when he has a job to do.

"This isn't over!" Michael calls as Cas follows Anna down the stairs. "Castiel!"

Cas ignores him as he hops into the ambulance and takes off, leaving all of his complicated feelings about Dean behind.

••••••••••

Cas shows up the next day with two pieces of freshly baked apple pie and some British sci-fi show named _Doctor Who_. They spend the afternoon gorging on the dessert as Dean gets acquainted with the world of a time traveling alien who can change his face, and despite the ridiculous storyline Dean finds himself entranced immediately.

"Ooh! This is the part where Rose-"

"Cas, shut up! Doctor Who is talking!"

"Actually, his name is The Doctor, not-"

"Shhhh!"

Cas gets quiet as Doctor Who, the Doctor, whatever his damn name is, starts going on about how he could save the world but he would lose Rose, and Dean can feel his heartbeat pick up in his chest when the fight begins. Cas mentioned that just as the Doctor changes his face, companions come and go too, and Dean isn't ready to let go of that feisty blonde Rose just yet. She reminds him of Sam in a way, but he tries to keep that thought at bay. Dean's supposed to be recovering, not opening up old wounds.

When the nurse pops into his room later and asks if Cas wants anything from the cafeteria, only then do they notice the time. Cas quickly packs up his things and leaves after he declines the dinner offer, saying that he promised his coworker that they'd go to the bar that night. They bid farewell with promises of Cas coming over tomorrow, and for the first time in a long time, Dean feels truly happy.

••••••••••

Cas visits Dean after work on Saturday, and he's pleased to find that his presence is still wanted. To avoid any chance of Sam coming up in conversation, he brings the first of _Doctor Who_ to fill their time. When he first shows Dean the DVD cover he groans, telling Cas that he's more into old Westerns than cheesy sci-fi shows. However after they get past the first episode, Dean gets attached to Rose Tyler and the Doctor in ways he would have never expected. By the fourth episode Dean is already asking Cas if he has the second season, and by the time they reach Cas's favorite episode, World War Three, Dean is sitting alert in his bed, shushing him when he tries to explain what's going to happen next.

He almost forgets about the night of bar hopping he promised Balthazar until a nurse comes in, asking if he's going to be around for dinner. Only then does Cas look up and find that it is dark in the room; he got so caught up in the show (and Dean, if he's being truthful) that he totally lost track of time. With an awkwardly mumbled goodbye Cas leaves, but not before promising to return the next day.

It's only when he gets back to his apartment that Cas realizes he never told Dean about Sam, but he shoves it off. _There is always tomorrow_, he thinks.

However when the next day rolls around, Cas once again finds an excuse to avoid the conversation. Dean and him were talking about Cas's atrophy in classic car knowledge, and Dean spent the better part of the day listing the makes and models of his favorite vehicles. Cas is about to bring up the topic of Sam, but then he finds out that Dean is a mechanic downtown and he once again avoids the subject, letting Dean ramble on about one difficult fix his coworkers will have to take over until he's cleared to work again.

Monday is the day Cas is sure he will finally bring up the subject of Sam. He comes into Dean's room and already has his mouth open to say the words, but they get caught in his throat when he walks in on Dean half naked, the sunlight throwing shadows on his toned body. Dean grins like the Cheshire Cat when he sees Cas get all frazzled, and then reclothes himself at an incredibly slow speed. He completely forgets what he was going to say after that.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday pass with no luck. Every time Cas tries to say the words that will release him from years of guilt, it is like cotton is blocking his vocal cords. No matter what Cas does, he can't seem to push the truth out of his lips, instead letting other subjects distract him from what he really wishes to say. Cas panics because Dean is set to be released on Saturday, and what happens then? Do they remain friends? Will Dean want to see Cas after he goes home? He can't let Dean leave without him knowing the truth, but how does he even breach a subject like the death of his brother?

Apparently in the worst way possible, Cas finds out.

It's the Friday after Dean's accident when it all comes to a head. Cas and Dean are now on the second season of _Doctor Who_, and one of the nurses managed to sneak them birthday cake from the staff room. Cas knows that it is now or never; if he doesn't tell Dean about his relation to Sam then he never will, and the guilt will eat him alive for the rest of his life.

"Dean…" Cas begins, and he looks over with wide eyes.

He giggles. Across Dean's nose is a stripe of pink frosting large enough to cover up the smattering of freckles there. He looks at Cas with an expression that can only be described as puppy-like, and Cas can't help but laugh.

"Dean, you've got something on your nose," Cas says with a smile.

He looks down in a crosseyed gaze and laughs when he sees the line of pink there. "Huh, look at that. I guess I do."

"Here, let me get that," Cas insists as he grabs a napkin from the table, leaning up into Dean's space to wipe the frosting away. It isn't until he's finished that Cas realizes he is inches in front of Dean, their lips only centimeters apart. He can feel Dean's breath on his face and it smells like pure sugar, turning Cas's insides to jello.

"Uh…" Cas says, but Dean doesn't let him finish.

"I think you missed a spot," Dean says coyly, throwing Cas a tiny grin.

"Wha-" Cas begins, but he's cut off when Dean closes the space between them with a kiss.

His lips slide onto Dean's easily, like they are two puzzle pieces that finally found their other half. Despite every loud alarm in his mind blaring that this is wrong, Cas can't help but lean into Dean further, pushing him back unto the bed. Luckily they let Dean take off the heart monitor a few days ago, or else a hundred nurses would probably be rushing to his room right now.

Dean moans under his touch, and he brings a hand up to card through Cas's hair. The guttural sound in his throat surprises them both, and Dean breaks away for a second to laugh lowly in Cas's ear.

"We don't have to do this, Cas," Dean begins, but Cas isn't having it.

"I think we do," Cas growls hungrily, capturing Dean's bottom lip between his teeth. The groan he gets in response only quickens Cas's now rapidly beating heart and the voice in his head.

_You can__'__t bone Dean Winchester at a time like this! _

_You were just about to talk about his dead brother, for goodness sakes!_

_Cas, this isn__'__t going to end well!_

The protests grow louder and louder as things heat up between them, but once Dean's hand lands between his thighs at hits _that _spot, all of the hesitation fades into the background. He can worry about the consequences of what he's about to do with Dean later; right now, all he needs is to see Dean's tan skin beneath his.

"Castiel?" a voice rings out from the hallway, and both men freeze in their spots.

He doesn't need to look up to know who will be waiting for him. With a start, Cas turns around and tries to hide the blush in his cheeks.

"Hello, Anna."

••••••••••

Dean's had a lot of sex in his life, but nothing can compare to this. When he leans into Cas's space and kisses him hard, Dean has no clue what type of reaction he's going to get. Anger? Disgust? The last thing he expects is for Cas to push him against the bed and basically have him right there. Cas, the guy who wears pressed jeans and grandpa sweaters, is wrecking Dean to the core with his sultry kisses and promiscuous hip motions, causing aching pleasure to bloom in his belly. They haven't even taken their clothes off yet and Dean's sure he's going to explode right then, but a female voice ends any chance of Dean getting laid.

"Castiel?" she says, and Dean instinctively goes still. _What__'__s going on? Who is this girl?_

Cas looks into Dean's eyes apologetically before turning around to face the woman. "Hello, Anna," he says deeply, his voice raw from unfulfilled lust.

He leans around Cas's figure and freezes when he sees who is standing in the doorway. It's a face he can never forget, the face of the woman who told him his brother's fate. Anna Milton looks on with wide eyes at their entangled limbs, clearly wondering how Dean managed to get a broken leg wrapped around Cas's waist.

"What is going on here?" she asks. "What are you doing with Dean, Castiel?"

Cas climbs off Dean's lap and fixes his shirt absentmindedly. "It isn't what it looks like, Anna-"

"Oh, but I think it is! You two were about to bone, weren't you?" she says way too loudly for Dean's taste.

Clearly Cas thinks so too, because he gestures for Anna to walk inside. He closes the door behind her (which Dean didn't even realize was open) and pulls out a chair, which she slinks into.

"Okay, things got a little heated," Cas explains, but Anna cuts him off.

"I can see that. Well, at least now I know why you didn't show for your shift."

Dean watches as Cas burns a bright red. "I…what?"

"You never showed for your shift today. You were supposed to cover for Balthazar, remember?"

"I…no, I totally forgot. Sorry about that," Cas apologizes profusely.

Anna waves him off. "It's no big deal. Michael was looking for more hours so he took over, but I still felt like I needed to look for you. You never miss a shift, ever. I checked your apartment and when you weren't there, I remembered that you were visiting the hospital these past few days. Now I see why," she giggles. "Quite the entertainment."

"Okay, okay!" Cas waves her off. "I've been visiting Dean the past few days after work. We've formed a friendship," Cas says, and Dean feels his cheeks redden at the sentiment.

"Well, that's good!" Anna says brightly. "I'm guessing that means you've worked out the Sam issue, then?"

Dean's body stiffens at the mentioning of his brother's name. "Excuse me, the Sam issue?" he asks.

Anna nods. "Yeah! It had to be awkward at first, right? With Cas being the one who was there when your brother died?"

Everything the room begins to spin. Cas was there? Since when? Why did he not tell Dean about this?

"Dean, I can explain-" Cas begins, but Dean isn't going to give him that pleasantry.

"What the hell, Cas? You were there and you never told me? Wha, why would you never bring that up?" he roars.

"I did tell you…just not directly. Remember the story about the patient who died in my arms? Well that patient was Sam, okay? He died on my watch and I couldn't tell you that because-"

"Because what? You didn't want to admit that you let my brother die? Would he still be here if someone else were there, Cas? Would he?"

"Dean-" Cas whispers, but he doesn't want to hear it. Everything he thought about Cas is now a lie. Every touch, every laugh, every bit of joy is now tainted with the overarching falseness of their relationship. Old anger that Dean thought was long buried flares to the surface. Cas was the one who couldn't save his brother, and how can he be anywhere near the guy who let his brother die?

"Don't, Cas. I don't wanna hear it. Get out."

The look Cas throws Dean almost breaks him, but he can't afford to give in right now. Cas lied, _he lied, _and there's nothing he can do to fix that now. Even though he knows it's not fair, he hits Cas where it will hurt the most.

"My brother is gone because you're a lousy paramedic. Leave. Never talk to me again, okay? GET OUT."

The yell reverberates through the room and Anna quickly jumps up to Cas's side. He ignores the fact that tears are streaming down Cas's face. He forgets that he was the one who put them there, and he pays no attention to the fact that he is crying too.

With one last look at what he just lost, Dean turns over in his bed and waits for the door to click shut. When it closes and the room is empty, only then does Dean allow himself to weep.

••••••••••

When they arrive back at the ambulance station, no one asks any questions. The only person who even gives him a glance is Michael, and even he can read Anna's dagger glare. Cas only gets a sympathetic head nod in his direction before Michael offers to buy the entire crew dinner, and everyone clears out of the room quickly after that.

Anna stays though, and she doesn't let him go. He cries and cries with his head on her lap for hours on end, the sobs only stopping when Anna's soothing back rubs finally put him to sleep. Even then, Cas's dreams are filled with sirens and scarlet stains, and when he wakes with a start the tears automatically begin again.

He should've told Dean about the accident the minute he met him. He should have just let Dean reject him instead of getting attached. He was an idiot thinking that he could be with Dean Winchester.

The tears finally calm down a few hours later. Anna pulls him up into a sitting position and lets him lean against her frame, her hands still curled around his waist. She whispers _it__'__s going to be okay _in his ear even though she knows that is not true, and Cas lets her lie to him, at least for now.

"Cas, you need to get some rest. Go home. I'll talk to Gabriel and ask if you can get some time off. Lord knows you need it."

He gives Anna a tiny smile and gets up from the couch. "Thanks, Anna. I appreciate it. Maybe being gone for a few weeks will do me good."

Anna nods and walks over to the cot where his things are. She grabs them and helps Cas down to his car, making sure he's okay before she lets him drive off.

When he pulls up in front of his apartment, he doesn't even hesitate to break down again. Green eyes full of hurt and devastation haunt his thoughts, and Dean's cracking voice rings in his ears. He told Cas to leave, to never talk to him again. Cas can feel the sobs building in his throat, so instead of possibly disturbing the neighbors with his loud wails he curls up in the front seat and lets the tears flow. He weeps until he can't feel anything, and only when a dull numbness takes over his body does he allow himself to fall into a deep sleep.

"Cas, should you be back already?" Anna chastises him a month later. Her blue eyes are glowing with concern as she looks him up and down. "You look like a wreck."

He throws her a tiny grin and pulls his uniform out of his bag. "I'm fine, Anna, really. Gabriel called me and said that with the holidays coming up there are going to be more incidents than usual, so he needed an extra person on the night shifts. Plus have you been outside? The roads are practically ice! You guys will need an extra person tonight; I can feel it."

He says all of this in an overly bright tone, but apparently it isn't convincing. Anna looks on with sad eyes, and as he pushes her aside he can hear her distressed sigh in the background. Cas knows she's just looking out for him, but she's not his mother. He is doing just fine, thank you very much.

At least, that's what he's been telling himself for the past month. Maybe if he says it over and over again it will become true one day.

The beeping of the radio interrupts their thoughts, and with a groan Anna walks over to the dispatcher. "Aw man, already? Not five minutes into my shift and someone is already on the radar. Figures," she mutters, but Cas ignores her. He walks over and reads the accident report off the computer. Two car pile up on Thompson Lane, emergency assistant needed immediately. He heart quickens at the reading and he grabs Anna by the hand, dragging her down to the ambulance.

"We've gotta go, people!" Anna calls to their team, and they show up from various corners of the station immediately. After a quick check of their ambulance, the four paramedics pile into the vehicle and take off.

The roads are glistening in the moonlight, giving off the clear ice that is forming on the ground. Cas curls his fingers into his palms and tries to fight off the rising anxiety in his gut. This is just another accident, he tells himself. Nothing to get worked up over.

However, when their flashing lights fall unto the scene, Cas's heart picks up speed. Everything about the crash site is familiar, too familiar. There are two people sprawled out on the pavement, surrounded by a few passerby that stopped their cars to check out the accident. One of the vehicles is Ford truck while the other is…

_Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. _

The other car is a Chevy Impala, and it's owner is lying unconscious on the ground.

••••••••••

White. Pure, blinding white light explodes into Dean's vision as his body hits grassy ground. His eyes clench shut as he rolls down a hill, his head smacking against something hard at the end of the fall. At first he does not want to open his eyes; he has no clue where he is and he's in no hurry to find out. Dean's hands can feel the dewy surface beneath him and the air smells like flowers. Is he in a meadow? A forest? There is only one way to find out.

In an act of courage, Dean forces his eyes open and takes in the scene around him. Fields of red roses surrounded him along with rolling, grassy hills. Birds chirp in the tree above his head and he spots a family of deer prancing across the field in the distance. He can even hear a soft, melodic tune being whistled from behind, but he's too entranced by the scenery to move. Everything is absolutely serene and perfect, almost as if it came straight out of a book his mother used to read to him and Sam as kids. It is soothing, and with a smile on his face Dean leans back into the grassy field and lets his eyes flutter shut, the warm sun coaxing him into an easy sleep.

"Dean, what are you doing?"

The voice brings Dean out of any serenity he was hoping to find and instead lurches him into a sitting position. Standing before him a face so familiar that for a second he wonders if he's died and gone to heaven.

Wait…is he dead?

"Sammy?" Dean asks, but his voice comes out garbled and broken.

Sam walks forward and sits across from Dean on the ground, crossing the space between them. He propels his body into Dean's and suddenly nothing matters. Sam is here and he's tangible and real; he's in Dean's arms and a broken cry escapes his lips at his brother's touch. He's here; he's finally with his brother again.

"Dean!" Sam calls out, nuzzling his face into his brother's shoulder like he used to when they were kids. "What are you doing here?"

Dean lightly pushes his brother away and gazes into his eyes. "What do you mean? I'm dead, aren't I?"

Sam looks on at Dean with a sad expression on his face. "No, Dean, you're not dead. Not yet, anyway. It's why you sound weird. You aren't completely here or there. You're sort of…floating, I guess. Once you decide which side you're gonna stay on it will go back to normal."

Dean looks around the space once again. This is paradise, isn't it? He's with Sam, and there are no problems here. Why would he not cross over? What is tethering him to the other side?

"You really don't know what's keeping you?" Sam asks, and Dean jumps at his brother's words.

"How did you-"

"Mind reading is a thing here, apparently. I've run across a few other people who can do the same thing," Sam explains. "But really, that's not important. I think you know why you're hesitating to cross over, Dean."

He curls his legs into his chest and throws Sam a pointed gaze. "There's no one-"

"Yes, there is. Admit it, Dean. Despite the fact that he lied to you, you are still totally crushing on Castiel Novak."

He blanches at his brother and turns his head away. "I don't have a crush," he whispers, but of course it isn't true. He's tried to forget about Cas over this past month but to no avail. Those blue eyes that look like jewels kept popping up at every turn. He saw Cas in the lake by his house, in the sky on a clear day, hell, he even saw him in the blue sweater his friend Charlie bought him as a "Congrats! You didn't die!" present after the accident.

"Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit enamored with Cas, but it's not enough to keep me there. Sammy, we're family! I belong with you, plain and simple. Dammit man, I've been tryin' to get back to you for years and now I'm here. Why would I give that up?"

Sam shakes his head and curls into Dean's arms. It's like they are kids here, their old childish embraces feeling warm and right in this paradise. "Dean, you can't be here. It's not your time yet and you know it."

"And why isn't it my time, Sammy? What is waiting for me down there? I can't be with Cas, not after knowin' that he's the reason you're not there! I work as a mechanic and I'm a high school dropout with six bucks to my name. Why shouldn't I give it up? Why?"

He doesn't even realize it at first, but pain is blooming in his hand. When he looks down crescent shaped marks are now embedded in his skin, little bits of blood popping out at the surface.

"Dean," Sam says soothingly, and that's all Dean can take. He collapses into his brother, ugly sobs erupting from his throat loudly as everything comes crashing down around him. He can't say goodbye to his brother, he can't. He just got to Sam again, so why does he have to leave? He can't. He won't.

And yet…there is a light that is beckoning to him from across the way, and a voice that is calling out to him loudly and insistently.

"Dean! Dean! Dean!" the distant voice calls, and he perks up at the familiar tone.

…_Cas?_

"You'll see me again one day, Dean, but your time isn't up yet," Sam says in his ear, bringing him back to the present. "There are people who need you. Cas needs you. And it wasn't his fault that I'm dead, so please forgive him and just be together already?"

Dean turns and throws his brother a confused look. "How did you know…"

Sam gives Dean the biggest bitchface in the world, and suddenly it is all clear.

"You've been with me the entire time, haven't you?"

Sam throws his hands in the air. "Finally! I've been leaving little hints here and there for months! I've seen everything that's been going on in your life, and I know all about you and Cas. Don't be mad at him, Dean. I was already gone by the time he got there and there was nothing he could've done."

The voice gets louder, brighter, more insistent.

_DEAN?! _

The light is too hard to resist now. He turns to his brother one last time and pulls him into a hug, memorizing the familiar smell of pine and old books that lingers on his clothes.

"I'll be back one day, Sammy. Don't forget me."

And with that, Dean steps back into the light and everything goes black.

••••••••••

Cas can't breathe right. He sees Dean's body on the ground, sees the blood trickling out of his mouth and nose, sees his chest rise and fall at a rapid pace, and yet he can't fathom how this happened. It is just like last time. The Impala is once again smashed, only this time instead of a semi it was an old Ford that crashed into him. If it were any other day Dean probably would've been fine, but the ice on the ground caused the car to spin into a ditch and the impact must've flung Dean a good fifteen feet in the air.

No, he can't do this. Not again.

As he stands in shock, Anna comes up beside him.

"You don't have to do this, Castiel," she whispers. "He may not make it-"

"Don't talk like that. Never talk like that," Cas says harshly. "He's gonna make it, or so help me God I will tear this world apart."

The next thing Cas knows he's running towards Dean's body, pushing any remaining bystanders out of the way.

"I'm a paramedic! Get out of the way!" Cas screams, and the crowd disperses just like last time. He gets down on the ground and examines Dean's body, but his hands freeze when he takes in the damage. It is so much worse than last time; he looks more like Sam did when Cas found him all those years ago, and if he had eaten dinner that night it would be on the ground now. Dean looks bruised and broken, skin split and bleeding from the force of the impact. There is blood everywhere, and soon enough a replay of Sam Winchester's death will be on his hands. He can't let that happen; he won't.

"Dean! Dean! Dean!" Cas screams out, but there is no response. Dean's head is lolled to the side and his breaths are becoming slower and less obvious.

_Dammit, Winchester, you__'__re not dying on me. Not today. _

"I need a gurney!" Cas calls to his crew, and Hael jumps into the ambulance to grab it. He turns his attention back to Dean and tries everything to get him to regain consciousness, even if it isn't in his training. He's desperate, and Cas would do anything to have Dean's green eyes looking into his again.

"Dean?!" Cas gets out raggedly, fear zinging down his spine when his chest slows even more. "No no no no no," he mutters under his breath. "You can't leave. I need you, Dean. I need you."

As if the words brought Dean to life, he wakes with a gasp, his eyes wheeling wildly around the area.

"He's awake!" Cas calls brokenly, not even hiding the tears that are now running down his cheeks. "Hael, hurry up!"

"I'm coming!" he hears her call from the ambulance, and soon enough she's wheeling over the gurney with all the necessary supplies.

"Help me pick him up!" Cas calls, and Hael slides over to the other side to lit Dean onto the gurney. Cas doesn't mention that he's heavier than he looks, even though that is definitely true.

"Cas…" Dean's broken voice rings out into the night.

"Hael, wait!" Cas calls when she's about to wheel him off. "Give me ten seconds, okay?"

She nods and then heads back to the ambulance, leaving Cas and Dean alone.

"I…I'm sorry," Dean gets out, but it's whispered and gruff.

"Shh," Cas says as he runs a hand over Dean's head. "It's okay, I'm sorry too. We can talk about it once you're all fixed up, okay?"

He nods and Cas lets Dean's eyes eyes flutter shut, hoping that whatever dreams Dean will have are better than the reality they're facing.

Cas wheels him over and Balthazar loads Dean into the back. They all climb into the ambulance and then they're racing down icy streets to save a Winchester once again.

••••••••••

Dean doesn't remember a lot of things, but the pain is definitely one of them.

When he wakes up to bright lights in his face and doctors crowded over his body, he barely can get a word out before they put him under, the hazy veil of sleep dragging him into its deep depths. And when he wakes up again, he is surprised to find the familiar off-white walls of the hospital around him instead of his bedroom. _What the hell went down last night? _

All he remembers is the crash. The roads were icy and he was speeding, this time intentionally. His heart was racing because he forgot his weekly meeting with Sarah, and it wasn't until a text message rang out asking where he was that Dean remembered. He got into the newly fixed Impala and began driving quicker than he'd ever gone before, hoping that he could still catch her before she left.

And that's when it happened. Dean came up to a yellow light and thought he could make it, but the world had other plans for him. Bam! The next thing he knows Sammy is in his arms, telling him that he needs to live and make out with Cas, or something like that. (The details may be a bit blurry). Now he's here, laying in a hospital bed with bruises and bandages covering his body. The broken leg (which still wasn't fully healed) is now plastered to his thigh, and it feels like pins and needles are being thrust into his body.

"Argggg," Dean groans as he leans over to grab the magical button that will give him the good drugs, but a hand lands on top of his.

"Not so fast there, Dean. You need a nurse to administer that."

His hand freezes in place and suddenly his fingers are being entwined with Cas's, the warmth comforting against his wounds.

"Cas…" Dean whispers.

Cas swivels his chair into Dean's view and throws him a little grin. "Hello, Dean."

"Wha…what happened?" he mumbles.

"Shh…don't push it. Technically if you're awake I'm supposed to tell Cassie so she can knock more drugs into you," he warns.

Dean nods and looks down to their entwined hands. Cas's grip is tight and reassuring. It brings back all of the good times they had in this same hospital room, back when things weren't so damn complicated.

"Do you remember what happened? Anything at all?" Cas asks as his thumb rubs circles over Dean's hand.

He leans back in his bed and avoids Cas's gaze. "I was speeding…" he begins, and he cringes when Cas's thumb movements come to a standstill. "I know, you were being stupid, Dean!" he says in a deep voice, which only brings out a little bit of laughter from Cas.

"I don't sound like that," he fights back.

"Yeah, you do. That's not the point. I was going to meet Sarah…at Sam's grave. It's the same place I was going last time," he admits, realizing that he never told Cas that. "We go once a week and pay our respects, leave flowers, y'know, things like that. But this week I forgot, and I sort of broke down over it. I _never _forget to go visit Sam, ever, and when I got that text from Sarah asking where I was, I just got in my car and drove as fast as I could. Clearly that didn't end up well," he gestures to his body and the beeping machines behind him.

Cas is silent for awhile. His fingers run up and down Dean's arm and it leaves goosebumps on his flesh. The noiselessness of the room is comforting, warm. It isn't awkward like the first time they met, but is instead filled with a thousand possibilities. Dean knows that things need to be said, and quickly. Cassie will be back pumping him with who knows what soon enough.

"Can we start over?" Dean asks after a few minutes of Cas's silent caresses.

Cas's fingers still on his arm. "What are you talking about?"

Dean turns in his bed so he's facing Cas face to face. "Can we start over?" he asks again. "We sort of got off the track a little bit, and I don't wanna lose you, Cas. You're sorta all I've got," he says shyly.

Cas's eyes widen at the words and then he crosses the space between them, leaving a featherlight kiss on Dean's lips. "You're not going to lose me, Dean. You're all I've got too," he admits.

Dean can feel the grin rise to his face. "Then…will you go out with me when I'm better, Castiel Novak?"

He watches as Cas gets up from his chair and leaves the room without another word.

"I'll be right back!" he hears Cas's voice call from down the hall, and Dean leans back against the bed. _What the hell?_

A few minutes later Cas returns with his arms full of food. Pies, cookies, and bottles of lemonade tumble onto the table as Cas lets go of the load, a huff of breath leaving his lips when the objects drop.

Dean examines Cas's food and smiles coyly. "What is this?"

Cas blushes. "I didn't want to wait until you get out of the hospital to go on a date. Chances are you'll be here for awhile with the injures you got from that accident."

Dean goes to grab a cookie but Cas beats him to the punch.

"No, I'll take care of everything. You need to rest and we've got to do this quickly. I can bet you that Cassie is coming back soon and she'll come after my ass if she sees this," he laughs.

He doesn't know what stars in the universe aligned, but Dean is infinitely grateful for this moment. He listens as Cas tells stories about his childhood and Dean offers up a few of his own too. They laugh, grin stupidly at one another, and share kisses between bites of pie late into the night. It's all fun and games until Cassie inevitably shows and yells at Cas for a good few minutes, telling him that Dean needs his rest and that he's not allowed to eat junk food with all the medication he's on. With a sigh, Cassie gives Dean another dose of morphine that is pulling him under, the edges of the room becoming less distinct by the second.

"Guess the date is over," Cas whispers as he's about to leave.

Dean grins and laughs as his eyes slide shut. "Don't worry, Cas. They'll be plenty of others."

••••••••••

One Year Later

The cold November wind blows through Cas's hair as he stands in the graveyard. Everything is still around him, and if Cas believed in ghosts he would bet a hundred dollars that one just flew past his face. Everything is dreary and buzzing with unease, and his can feel goosebumps rise on his arms.

He can't do this. He's not strong enough.

"Are you okay?" Dean's low voice rings in his ear.

Cas gulps and nods as he begins walking towards the white headstone. "I'm fine," he lies, but Dean can see through his act. Before Cas goes any further Dean walks in front of him, holding him at arm's length.

"Look, I know this is hard for you but there is nothing to be afraid of. It's not like he can come back from the dead or anything. You're just going to lay the flowers down and then we'll leave, okay?"

No, Cas is not okay. When he told Dean that he wanted to visit Sam's grave he never thought it'd be this difficult. After Dean told Cas about his experience in "heaven" (Cas wasn't sure if it was true or not, but he wasn't one to question those things), he finally accepted that Sam was gone when the paramedics arrived. Dean forgave everyone who worked on Sam, even to the point of writing a page long letter to Anna, apologizing for his brashness at the crash site that day. Dean had finally learned to move on, so why couldn't Cas?

"Listen, you we really don't have to do this today. You can wait in the Impala and I'll be back soon."

The offer is tempting, but Cas pushes Dean aside.

"No, I have to do this. If I don't, then I will never be able to get past Sam's death. I will never be able to forgive myself," he admits.

Dean comes up behind him and wraps his arms around Cas's body. "I'll be here when you get back, okay?"

Cas turns in Dean's embrace and leaves a kiss on his nose. "I know. It won't take long, I promise."

With one last peck on the lips, Dean releases Cas from his grip. With a sigh Cas trudges forward and approaches the limestone grave.

**Sam Winchester**

**May 2 1983 - June 17 2009**

**Beloved son and brother. **

Cas reads the words and feels the tears prickling in his eyes. He turns around and gets one thumbs up from Dean before laying the sunflowers down on the white marble with a trembling arm.

"That was great! Good job!" Dean calls from afar, but Cas waves him off.

"Gimme another second, Dean! I'll be back in a few!"

Cas didn't plan on this, but he kneels down in the muddy ground by the headstone. His jeans will be a wreck and Dean will complain about dirtying his car, but Cas can't get himself to care. He has things to say, and if he doesn't let it out then he can never move forward.

"Hey, Sam," Cas whispers to the empty air, tears welling and dripping down his cheeks. "I'm sorry it took this long to come visit you. I just didn't really know what to say," he admits. "But I know now. I guess I need to thank you, first off. If you really did tell Dean to come back to me then I am forever in debt to you. Dean's the best man I've ever met, and…he just proposed to me last night," he beams as he fiddles with his new engagement band. "We're going to have a picture of you up there with him, because he can't imagine anyone else being his best man. And I also feel like I have to say I'm sorry for everything, Sam. It is my job to save people, but I couldn't save you. I think I've finally accepted that there was nothing that could've been done, but it's still heartbreaking. You should be alive right now celebrating with us, not six feet under. I'm sorry, Sam. I really am."

"Cas?" Dean calls, but once again he waves him off.

"I'll be right there!" he calls, and Cas gets up from the ground. He turns around to see if Dean is looking, and when he isn't Cas reaches into his pocket and throws a photo Charlie took of them last night on top of the flowers.

"Your brother is an amazing person. I'm lucky that he's mine. Thank you, again. Thank you."

He wipes away the last of his tears and turns around. Dean is waiting for him halfway across the field and Cas runs to him quickly, falling into Dean's embrace.

"Are you ready to go home, Cas?" Dean asks.

Cas grins and pecks a kiss on Dean's cheek. "Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go home."

Dean grabs Cas's palm and entwines their fingers together as they walk back to the Impala with smiles on their faces. A lightness fills Cas's being as they get into the vehicle and drive off into the night. He's finally gotten rid of the guilt. He's in love with a beautiful man. He's going home, a concept that has been foreign for a long time.

Cas has got everything he needs, and he couldn't be any happier if he tried.


End file.
